Crazy, Intense Writings of the Almost-Emo but More Reflective Lover of Jesus

Creative Cravings

2011-01-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

One drawing attempted of well-respected actress in beloved film "Little Dorrit"...check

Two book titles thought about, under-developed as of two mins. ago but at least penned to paper...check

One giant headache that won't disappear until sleep consumes my actions & thoughts...check

One big staring contest with my Bible and journal...check

Pursuit of all favored photographers' blogs in hopes of a job...check

Lesson learned in the area of heart cries...check

I got to minister to a former high school history teacher of mine today. I didn't go to the certain location to minister to a woman. I went to read. But, oh goodness, how the Lord thwarted my *cough* need *un-cough*for "alone time."

ha

Alone time? Not reality. Just fantasy. Am I being sarcastic? Actually...no. I'm being blunt and poised with words on my lips like blood off a sword...a little much? Oh, whatever. I NEEDED to minister to this woman tonight. It's so funny how we think we "need" something when all we really want to do is seek satisfaction from it. Psalm 107:9 says "HE satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul He fills with good things." !!!!...:):):):)...

Seriously, though, this woman NEEDS Jesus. She needed to hear a former student who doesn't have it all together either hear her say "I'm praying for you, Mrs. ____."

"Oh, how great are the riches/ Of His wisdom and knowledge/ How unsearchable/ For to Him and through Him and of Him are all things..."

Fed Up

2010-10-21T21:02:00.001-07:00

Fed up with guilt pressing upon the crevices of my heart and mind as I fight for freedom from collective numbers and academic constraints.

Fed up with duty. Life wasn't made to be a series of actions and consequences.

Fed up with routines. Forget the mindless stepping stones of progress and business. Embrace the real stuff: the pain, the sorrow, the relief, the joy that can't be described in a piece of paper that says "Graduated."

Fed up with longings that aren't fulfilled. I trust the Plan that's bigger.

Fed up with shame that beats the heart into submission. Weight on the heart becomes exhausting. Let it be.

Fed up with "lack of." Ready to see an abundant and active force in every crevice, crack, and prison in this town.

Fed up with service. Need intimacy that squeezes the lists out of me.

Fed up with "do." Ready for "know."

Let's stop the acts. Let's start the relationships.

I Will

2010-09-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

I will walk in the land of the living
Where dry bones walk again
And dead men shout victory

I will cry out the name of a Savior
As I run through the streets
In total abandon and freedom

I will ride the subways with smelly, old hobos
Who will dance in the light
Of something much bigger than themselves

I will sing Hallelujah in the middle of wars
Because the end of Victory is literally
A stone's throw away in time

I will paint beyond emotion and stirring
And instead, stroke the canvas with
Natural,vibrant, crazy love for Someone outside myself

I will no longer desire adventure
Because my heart will have been
Satisfied

I will fully understand the weight
Of what the God-Man did for me

One joining of wood blocks.
A couple of nails.
A body ready to be slaughtered.

All resulted in the perfect display of the
"I Will"

Hands clenched. Body tight.
Moans heard. Loss felt.

Victory wasn't around.

But, I know different.
The difference was 3 days.

3 days for the God-man to
Wake up from his slumber
And claim victory
Over the Enemy's dance

3 days to carry out
The Greatest Adventure
And triumph
Over the Enemy's dreams

3 days for the Underground
To be revived in not just
The blood of a Lamb but
The resurrection of a Savior

Oh, boy
Look what's coming now

A great celebration
In the Heavens
The epitome of light shows
That embrace the very voice
Of the painting of "A Starry Night"

A great victory
In this world
That will last shake the Rockys and the Maximus'cores
For eternity

I will wait for this day
When freedom won't be a cause
But an effect for all who
Trusted and fought in the
Name of the Lamb

I Will

Jumbled Thoughts About EVEN GREATER THINGS

2010-08-23T22:12:00.001-07:00

Red fingers typing away upon oily but familiar keys
They're desperate tonight
To type
To describe
To reveal

Pierced ears listening to the sounds of Chris August
New music
New heart beating to the drum of my own
Wondering

What will come
As Spartacus the old Honda Accord I call my own now
Roars down the highway
Bags packed and boxes crammed
No doubt rolling around with the
Globe I'll be bringing with me
To remind me of what I long to chase after

No, not the world itself
But, the adventure
The Big, Grand, Expensive Adventure
That calls my heart out
Of its restlessness and boredom

Oh, the fingers type desperately now
As they giggle with the heart
That dances to the name Jesus as
It's sung by the "new guy"

Jesus. The Author of such an Adventure

"The Not Yet"
Oh, geesh

One last semester.
Of nervous freshmen trampling each other
As they rush to class,
Soon realizing it's not worth anything
If you miss a couple for the sake of selah time

One last semester.
Of fifth-year seniors breathing in the smells
Of familiarity.
Legacy.
Victory.
Realizing that it's not over yet.
Wondering what will come after the "Great Walk of Victory" across the
carpeted stage.

I will not worry.
I will not fret about tomorrow.
For tomorrow is a day that's been created already.
With or without me involved.

"The Not Yet"
The future.
The rest of the story.
The eternal scope that far outweighs the stupidity of the day.

I guffaw at the thought of such concern tomorrow.
Until, I think about the concerns of today
And how I wasted
Beautiful minutes because I didn't have money
To buy food
When I had Mom's meat loaf in the fridge

The banner lined with "Even Greater Things"
Keeps rising up in my thoughts.
It resonates victory, newness, and resolution inside my spirit.
It longs to see the revelation of such a thing.

This semester pieced with "Even Greater Things" just fits
For some reason.

Holy Spirit revelation?
Maybe.
Radical obedience desired?
Definitely.

Blog of Dreams

2010-03-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone reads this and I honestly don't care. I just love writing, thinking about the Lord clicking on the Blog part of my mind each day and reading what I want to tell Him. Yes, He already knows but He enjoys my act of wanting to talk back.

So, Lord, I want to share what I believe You've put on my heart, in regards to the constant stream of wild dreams that run rampant in my heart. You have taken so many away and it hurt. But, the dreams you replace them with are so much sweeter and I praise You for Your knowing Hands.

Dream One: the Coffeehouse. It's never dissolved or faded. It's increased in wildness, grown in size, and been shared with many. You, through many of my wonderful friends of all kinds, have shared their support, their anticipation, their desire to help. I believe this is You, All-Knowing God, urging me to continue. To keep putting one foot in front of the other as I think about the business...the community...the idea.

Dream Two: Counseling/serving/ministering to movie stars. The world says I can't. The world says that Hollywood is too far gone. The Kirk Camerons don't exist anymore and the ones who have tried just fail and die away. God, you are BIGGER! You love Angelina and Jennifer and Sandra just as much as You love me! We all laugh at their abuses, divorces, and deaths but when our friends go through things like this, we cry and run to our hurting friends. What's the difference?!!! God, You've been building on this dream as I've researched centers and facilities. You've added to the burden on my heart DAILY as I read about Sandra's problems and Lady Gaga's brokenness. I don't need a counseling practice. I really have a passion to take a couch, put it on a street corner, and ask for You to move the Brads and the Roberts and the Jennifers to sit on my couch and cry out. How can I go?

Dream Three: Serve the nations. I want to be a missionary, Lord. You called me to this long ago. But, I KNOW that I am not called to go with an agency or org. that labels me "MISSIONARY" upon first steps on walking into a different nation. I want to go as a businesswoman, traveler, counselor, etc. I want to go and set up camp somewhere, intending to just LOVE ON PEOPLE. That is my intention, agenda, and desire. I don't go to convert and leave. This is how some feel led to do it and I praise You for their calling but I know that I want to share You with people long-term in cities beyond my understanding. I want to set up a business, hire a bunch of crazies, learn how to love them, and just let You do Your work. Community...

Dream Four: Great American Road Trip. Research routes. Buy an SUV that loves the road and loves me. Get a dog that would love to sit in the back with the cooler, camera, and art supplies and just go. Go meet people. Go hear the stories of brokenness, life, and beauty. Go share with people what You've done in my life and maybe see an impact made. Visit coffeehouse after coffeehouse and just talk to the owners, the regulars, etc. and continue to work on my coffeehouse dream, too.

Dream Five: Be a woman of faith who is grounded and rooted in love. Be a traveler who gets to live in Boston, Italy, Australia, England, E. Europe, Nashville, Los Angeles, Seattle, etc. and then one day, continue the adventure with a husband and kids whether we continue to travel or settle down somewhere getting to travel with intentionality and teach our kids that way. Not just doing vacations but going places for a longer period of time and learning about You in a culture.

Dream Six: Never stop craving adventure. Wherever I am, just getting to make whatever adventure I can.

I am a Dreamer. A Holy, Wild, Adventurous Dreamer who longs to chase her Jesus around the world. I picture this globe sitting in front of me and there's little colored tabs that pop up where I am to go. I only see one now but in a couple of weeks, I'll see a new tab pop up and I know that's where I'm to go next. Then, after a while, a new tab pops up and that'll be my green light to move on. Then, more and more pop up until more people are looking with me for new tabs. New directions. New adventures. It's not just about I'm where I'm to go. It's about why. It's about who I'll meet. It's about who I'll go and be and live with. It's about You: the One who has this BIG DREAM of bringing Your Kingdom to Earth. It's about Your Dream of seeing Your kids piecing together Your Dream with their individual Dreams. It's about Your passion for Your people to unite and accomplish adventure together in sweet community, Holy matrimony, and beautiful unity.

What dreams, o God. What dreams such as these.

What words, o God. What words such as intention, beauty, community, and craziness.

What desires, o God. What desires such as these can from a Dreamer like me?

They don't. They come from You and I give You the glory for what You will do.

These are not mine. They can be given. They can be taken away. May I set my heart on You, so that when they are taken, I will not mourn but rejoice when I see You doing something new.

[Heart giggles. Muscles tense. Eyes dance at the thoughts...]

Wedding Day

2010-03-22T21:11:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about "The Day." Not necessarily about the guy, oddly.
I've just been thinking about the "ideal of it all" and such. Asking myself questions about location, attire, who will be around, etc.
It's quite funny, really.

I want to be outdoors, submitting to a new adventure in the very setting that I feel most free...wherever that is.
I want to be barefooted, as hippie as that sounds, because I know that the one I'm walking down the aisle toward will love me so much more for my barefootedness.
I want to walk down to "There She Goes," simply because it's been a theme song for me in my season of singleness.

You see, I completely disagree with those brides who make the "Big Day" all about them. Weddings involve the beauty and adorning of the bride, yes, but has anyone ever thought to consider the parents of the bride: How they're about to surrender their daughter to a worthy man. Has anyone ever thought about the parents of the groom: in their complete revelation that the woman walking down the aisle is the woman they've prepared him for forever? Has anyone thought about the groom: the one who will no longer care for just himself but will now take on the responsibility and the adventure of another?

Two adventures converging into one great and glorious new life.

My dream wedding involves the very hellish undergrounds quaking at the sight of such a power couple forging to quell the powers of darkness in the name of Jesus, by simply uniting in marriage.
My dream wedding involves the heavenly cries of angels as the power couple unites to further the Kingdom of Heaven more and more in whatever capacities and directions they've been called.
My dream wedding involves the claps and the shouts and the heart giggles of people who can look upon the new couple in pure respect and honor.
My dream wedding involves the happy sigh of the Father, as He joyfully exclaims "It is well."

I know not who my husband is. I know not of what he'll be like or what he'll be doing in life. My one prayer is that He KNOW that life is an adventure worth exploring, dreaming, and struggling through. Our God is bigger than the failures, the lost times, the pain, and the grief. He knows more about the rewards of Love, the benefits of obedience, and the strength of a Unified pair. I pray that my husband would not see God as an asset but as his One lifeline; that he would wake up and talk to the Lord; that He would talk to the Lord then go to bed; that he would never stop the Conversation during the day. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who talks to the Lord every hour of the day. I'm odd, I claim, but how can I hide from Him? How can I be silent when I NEED to talk to Him and no one else?

...What a crazy and furious dream...

Nashville Diaries #5

2010-03-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

Home
A place of origin
A people who accept you as grungy, beautiful, or anything in between
A haven when you've been on the road for 10 hours and you need a place of stability

[sigh]

The adventure in Nashville has ended
The car's free of its weight
The bags are unpacked
The washer's full

But the Adventure is far from over
It's just continuing
In a new setting
With new tones
And a new purpose

I'm thankful for what You did
I'm thankful for what You did that I didn't see
I'm thankful for what You will do with what You did in me

Don't let me stop driving with my windows down
Don't let me stop being fearless when I get lost in life
Don't let me stop taking risks just because I'm scared

Guide me in the way You would have me go, Lord

Nashville Diaries #4

2010-03-18T20:51:00.001-07:00

Woke up...early...to go to Pancake Pantry.
Arrived at 7:15ish. Was immediately seated and waited on. Upon first impression, I noticed students, an Army unit, various professors, etc. just chatting at their respective tables. Honestly, I wondered why they were meeting and what could possibly bring them out of their beds at such an early hour. Alas, I am a college student and even though I do have to wake up quite early on Tuesdays and Thursdays on a normal schedule, I have taken sunrises and early morning breakfasts for granted this spring break week. I started soaking "it" all in: the joy of seeing people interact, the chill atmosphere that allowed them such experiences as they ate their pancakes and talked in a rather cyclical fashion...Loved the Pancake Pantry

Then, traveled down Broadway to visit J&J's Market and Cafe. Sam, the owner, was a delight and we immediately entered into a conversation about James Avery rings and Dallas, TX. Greatly enjoyed my mocha with irish cream. Took a couple shots of the layout of the coffeeshop and was pleased with the space usage and the overall randomness of the look of the place. Sam and I won't forget each other. At least, that's what we told each other. haha

We, then, went on one of "Tommy's Tours." Yes, I surrendered to the tourist magnet and folded. I was blessed, though! Didn't have to waste gas. Just got on a bus with my sistas and traveled around the city with other people who wanted to know some of the "inside scoop" of the Music City. We toured movie stars' homes, the historic venues, the popular attractions, etc. I admit, we had already meandered down the downtown parts on our own but hearing a local lead us down the streets he "played on as a child" and hearing about the "alley that Carrie Underwood used for her 'Before He Cheats' video" was quite fascinating...it was simply fun:)

Went to the hotel for a couple hours, then traveled to the Bluebird Cafe. Oh, seriously. It was wonderful. We were in the standing room only group but who cares?!! We got to hear 4 amazing up-and-coming female artists who each had a flare and a flavor in their respective avenues of country music. We bought Bluebird paraphernalia and traveled on down to the McDonald's. But before we decided to head to the hotel, I got to stop off at Cafe Coco's for a quick peak at the haps and the look. Oh, goodness...I LOVED IT! The facility itself was just an old house, filled with tables/couches/ bar stools/and an overall bohemian feel. The patrons all ranged from college students, grunge folk, band members, and homeless...freakin almost made me cry. Not gonna lie. We just don't have that where I'm from, ya know? We have an amazing coffeehouse culture in CS but I'm overwhelmed by the ability of being able to establish a coffeehouse that attracts ALL kinds of people and not just the coffee drinkers or college students. Versatility. Diversity. Community...:)

Today was one of those days where we didn't try to cram stuff in just to say "we went there..." We wanted to spent time in places that allowed us to reflect, explore, and continue the adventure that's come about this week. It's been full of heart giggles, long moments of laughter, getting lost A LOT, beautiful stories from beautiful people, food that just fed the desire to explore more, "proof of life" conversations, etc. I got a quote album on my phone, some souvenirs that'll probably disappear by next week, photos that I pray will last beyond a lifetime, and a heart full of impressions and stories that will last as long as I can remember them.

"To live would be an awfully great adventure" Yep, Peter Pan. I quite agree with you. I must add, though, that I have lived and have been a part of a great adventure. The cool part is...it's not ending! Even though I'm going back home and going back to school soon, the adventure continues. The need to listen continues. The need to travel and learn more continues.

Glorious life. Thank you for such a creation, Father...

Nashville Diaries #3 Part Two

2010-03-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

March 17, 2010 Entry: Part Two

Prema is the director/visioneer/pioneer for NFI. She is the queen of the castle and works hard for her students. Again, to recap, Nashville Film Institute is an institute for interested people (usually 18-25) with dreams of entering the Hollywood scene, as future directors, actors, cinematographers, etc. 9 month program. Intense hands-on curriculum for all students. Wonderful rewards. Check out thenfi.com for more info!!!

Back to Prema...wonderful woman with great vision and sincere passion for providing a refuge for students who have what it takes to explore and learn and apply all that they learn. Once they're done with the program, Prema hooks them up in any way she can. She has a passion for forging relationships for people who need to make the "right connections" and she's good at it!:)

So, we spent 2+ hours with her: learning, talking, encouraging, being encouraged, etc. Wonderful usage of time and thought, as we explored another aspect of such an amazing culture in Nashville.

We, then, traveled downstairs to the Big Idea! Productions. If you didn't know this, they are the creators and designers of Veggie Tales!!! I never watched V.T. as a kid but I grew up with it all around me so it was a definite blessing to get to talk with a designer there and just hear his perspective about the company and its impact. Great guy...Ron.

The rest of the day, we traveled to downtown Nashville to explore and allow our budgets to widen a bit at the sight of some cool art pieces in Earthbound and Hatch Show Store.

Today was just one of those days where I closed my eyes, breathed in-breathed out, and just happily sighed out of the sheer need to do something to express my overwhelmed feelings. The Lord understood my sigh and I felt a great peace wash over me.

I don't know what the future holds but I honestly could care less. I get excited about the "tomorrows" and the "somedays" but honestly, the Lord is leading this dance and I'm down with the direction. I pray that I am, anyway:)

Nashville Diaries #3 Part One

2010-03-18T20:35:00.001-07:00

I am overwhelmed with such need to praise my Holy and Providing God...it's just ridiculous as to how specifically He blesses us. I had no real desire today for anything specific.

We decided to travel to Franklin today, to hang out at the Factory and check out Downtown. We shopped and found some cutesy things. We photographed one another in a big rocking chair that perfectly displayed our small frames and funny ideas about self.

We then traveled to Bldg. 2 to simply explore. We went up to Floor 2 and 2 1/2 hours later, went back down with heart giggles and a new appreciation for the hidden gems of Tennessee

The Nashville Film Institute. A haven for the up-and-coming engineers of beautiful filmmaking. A field of hands-on development made of gifts and dreams. A castle of one queen, her counsel, and the princes and princesses of the court.

These people are beautiful. Not necessarily in the sense that they're Abercrombie models with beach blonde hair and pretty faces. No, these people emanated beauty with their stories of how they got there and where they're going, etc. They took time out of life to share life with us. I'm blessed.

We left NFI with promotional tools, t-shirts, accesses of communication, and some heavy impressions that still weigh.

I want to help; to get involved; to push through the practicality and blend dreams with reality. I don't know why the Lord brought us to NFI today but the fact is...He did. Now, we look forward. Trusting Him and leaning on Him to continue the adventure

Wherever it leads

(more about Prema, Big Idea!, Demo's, and Parks at Earthbound tomorrow:)

Nashville Diaries #2

2010-03-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Reflecting on the day while listening to the whir of a fan as my two traveling sistas sleep in the bed next to mine.

Located in Nashville.

Haven't seen much of this unknown city yet. Drove down Broadway for a bit but was crazed with frustration as we faced the problem of Nashville Predator parking. We decided upon further exploration that tonight would be a night of pizza delivery and Office episodes.

Beautiful freedom in spontaneity.

I don't know what to make of this city yet. I refuse to compare it to what I know. Instead, I choose to wait in the forming of my opinions when I've acquainted myself with more of this culture and style of life.

Tomorrow, we hit up more places. Await more stories. Ready ourselves for more face-to-face interaction with the "Music City."

Blank slate.

Nasvhille Diaries #1

2010-03-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Laying on my rollaway bed in a room in the beautiful Peabody Hotel. It currently houses duffel bags, peaceful times, and a period of reflection from the day spent in good 'ol Memphis.

Staring at my "Got Blues" shot glass and Elvis-imprinted guitar picks.
Thinking about Smokey, the amazing storyteller at the Memphis Music Store, who graciously shared a piece of his adventure...for many years, he fought a battle for musical freedom and independence in the realm of soul and blues. Walking with John Lennon before he knew anything of "rock 'n roll" to pounding pavement with guitar and harmonica in hand in San Francisco in the 60s, this dude defined "traveler." Oh, Smokey, What's left to be done in your story?

Today, we traversed down Beale Street looking for food, special items to help us remember the night we spent getting to know Memphis, TN, and people to talk with who had life to share.

We ate at Blues City Cafe. Bought guitar picks, shot glasses, mugs, and a harmonica from stores that breathed tourist knock-offs and alcoholic stenches. Beautiful stuff

Now, we rest. We ready for the next day, in which we'll explore the life of "the King" and travel down I-40 to our Olympus...*cough*...sweet Nashville:)

If you read this, pray for us: that we remain constantly in the Spirit as we drive, talk, serve, buy, eat, sleep, etc.

We don't do this for our own enjoyment. We travel with the constant knowledge that our Father has gone before us, preparing the way for us to extend love to people and to be poured into.

*Heart giggles*

Night Before A New Adventure

2010-03-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

Chill time in my bro's room + Dark red nail polish + a semi-packed bag + road trip tunes + story time with the family...
this is the night before a new adventure.

This adventure will shake me, chisel me, awaken me, and purify me all in one road trip. I'm traveling with beautiful sisters (wish the Kiwi was there, too:) who I love and trust dearly. Nashville is a place I've heard about, dreamed about, and read about in the past year and what awaits...I can only imagine.

My God is once again going to move beyond any of my simple expectations and overflow my cup with intense and specific proof of His Love.

I don't have to dream about being a traveler or an adventurer.
I choose to be one. I choose to let the Lord continue my destiny of being such a named crusader.

The overwhelming joy inside me needs to be unleashed and over the next five days, I pray that my love for the Lord will greatly increase will greatly increase because of my growing closeness and understanding of His Mystery.

With my camera in tow and what little money I can spend freely there in special envelopes marked with specific days to be used, I will begin this road trip at 6 am tomorrow.
The car will start. The wheels will roll. The driving rotation will begin.
All in the name of dreams, adventure, and a love far beyond my understanding.

...I'm chasing my Jesus to Nashville...

Too Much, Too Many

2010-03-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

Too much nice with too little love
Too much time with too little intentionality
Too much distance with too little contact
Too much expression with too little reflection

Too many dreams with too few actions
Too many laughs with too few tears
Too many conflicts with too few resolutions
Too many broken with too few counselors
_____________________________________________________

Over the past couple of years, the Lord has placed an indescribable passion on my heart for Hollywood. To be more specific...the movie stars.
As people laugh at the tabloids and hear about the deaths, divorces, and destruction of relationships....I pray. I cry. I reflect on "what could be..."
Most know that I have a passion for ministry. Most also know that I have a passion for business. Most don't know that I hope and pray for FUSION in my life of the two. Counseling is an option.
_____________________________________________________

To listen to the cries of the stars who need to talk
To hold the hands of the scarred and broken people who
Daily sacrifice their bodies, their thoughts, and their emotions
All for the sake of "the job"

Gaga to Brangelina
Sandy to Meryl
Miley to Taylor

Why do we laugh at their cries for help?
Why do we condone their "Daycare Centers" when they wear the Rehab Center facade?
Why do we say "there goes another one" when someone has passed due to drug overdose?

If I am the only one to go there one day and minister to these people
Then, that's how it's gonna be
But, please! Join me in praying for them, at least

I long to be a listener, a comforter, a counselor
I don't desire to condemn or point out their faults
They have enough of that from their agents, families, and audiences

More than anything, I want to serve them with time to rest: in an office, a park, a room in the back of a counseling center that actually wants to help...

Too Much Nice

Early Bird Catches the...Sausage Biscuit???

2010-03-09T05:04:00.001-08:00

7 AM
...Got here at 6:30...

After driving half of a mile to the nearest McD's, I awakened to the smell of coffee, pancakes, and sausage. For the past couple of weeks, I have come to this establishment to spend time with the Lord, observe the city awaken around me, and reflect on life. I also needed something to awaken me for my 8 AM so what better way to do it than a $1 sausage biscuit?!:)

The first visit here, I was taken aback by the great cloud of witnesses that surrounded me at 6:30 AM. Older men in their 70s reading the Word in corners; women in their 70s and 80s talking about the warrior princess life in the "Tiger Den;" a college girl like me, journaling and reading in the Word in the corner...

I can't tell you how encouraging it is to wake up every Tuesday, Thursday and be surrounded by brothers and sisters who need to do the exact same thing every day...give their days up to the Lord and just spend time with Him. None of us have truly interacted yet, I'm sad to say. But, I know that the guy who sits at the high bar table and reads his Bible from 6-7 is named Charlie. I know that a guy walks in at around 6:40 every Tuesday and knows all the people's names behind the counter and their back-stories.

It's amazing. To share the grunge, the beauty, the start of a daily life with someone each day, even if we never interact...is AWESOME!!!

Goal of the week...ask Charlie THE QUESTION aka "What's your story?" :)

Love Out Loud

Just A Thought...

2010-03-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

I run to my car to grab my iPod
They run for their lives

I buy overly-priced coffee three days a week
They buy shoes to sell for three days' food

I talk about Jesus over lunch
They talk about Jesus in their jail cells

I laugh about inside jokes with friends
They laugh when their handcuffs are removed

I sing because I can
They sing because it's all they can do not to scream

I hold back love when I'm scared or judgmental
They love anyone because it's their only weapon for surviving

I wear scarves to express my personality
They wear scarves to keep from freezing

~I'm not trying to nag or harp on or wave a flame-bearing fist at "THE MAN"

but seriously,

what are we not doing???

what are we not dwelling on for more than moments at a time???

I live by the Bible aka God's love in paper form.

But, can I honestly claim such a thing when I am definitely overlooking James 1:27
"...to visit orphans and widows in their affliction"

How can I not, AT LEAST, say something?

Love Collides...Love Wins

2010-02-14T21:59:00.000-08:00

*Ephesians 2:16-21*

Crazy, extravagant, furious love
Pushing back the darkness
From my midst

I place Jesus as the centerfold
Of my heart and mind
As I open the pages
Of my thoughts

If I were to squeeze
The contents of my heart out,
What would ooze out?

Little liter of Jesus, followed by
By a gallon full of people
And another gallon full of
Mediums of entertainment and art

I cheat on my King constantly
How gross!
He is a King far worth more than
The wanderlust of the world

His love speaks louder
Than the fame that
Darkness spreads
In our love-hungry world

I see through the eyes
Of fellow wanderers:
The need for something
Bigger than their frivolity

They cry, they flail
They streak through the night
Searching for satisfaction
From anything that breathes instant gratification

The darkest of places
Houses their kind of satisfaction
Only till sunrise
Does it truly have an effect

The hearts are as sick and black
As the night that
Cloaks them in their
Craze

No light seems to exist
Or really appear
In the shadows
_______________________________________
But, wait.......
_______________________________________
I hear cries of VICTORY
Piercing the sounds
Of the hellish silence

Underneath the ground I walk upon,
I hear stomping and cheers
Full of much more than
Volume and reverberation

These people believe their
Love is winning in the constant battle
Between Light and dark
Their God has moved today
They claim

Their proof is found in the
Turning in of heroin needles and razors;
The smiling responses given upon hearing the Love Message;
The forsaken cloaks that fell when
The former owners ran in the way of newfound freedom
Fleeing from the darkness, into the Light

It's found in the LOVE
Of a Holy God
Fighting and pushing back
The darkness
Slowly and progressively

Truth uncovers the lies
Purity cleanses the grunge of heart
Love clashes with darkness
And wins

HALLELUJAH
For a God who
loves beyond the shadows, the needles, the lost minds, the instantly gratified, the cheating, the blasphemy...
Praise Him for loving a collection of His broken children who long ago gave upon Truth and picked up obnoxious agendas and ferocious hatred of the morally inept.

I claim rebellion, if I must.
I seek to serve beyond comfort
Rebuke the agendas
Forsake the titles
And submit my feminist heart

All in the name of a God who loves me beyond the flesh, the brokenness, the scars of zits/burdens/ and pain.

LOVE WINS

Lessons Learned

2010-01-10T20:05:00.001-08:00

1. The Difference B/T Friendship and Sistahood
-Friendship is formed when at least two people decide to share life with one another, whether that be in the form of random conversations, phone calls, text messages, encounters, etc. It's a beautiful thing because one person decides to rely on another person and share life, share truth, and just love on that other person. sweet
-Sistahood is made when these friendships are transformed by a Holy God who ordains tightness, intimacy, and unconditional love. These bonds do not dissolve in the passing of time, growing of distance, or the change of the seasons. These sistahood bonds grow in love; grow in richness; grow in maturity because of the One who has formed and nurtured them.
I've got a lot of sweet friendships. But, I've also come to understand that I've got some sistas in Dallas and in College Station and even beyond that I can't lose depth of love or strength with. Let's get honest: A lot of change is going on right now in my life. I'm not the only one. But, because I recognize change as a constant, I am blessed by people who are willing to come with this change and love me despite myself.
Beauty beyond compare. Intimacy beyond worldly understanding. That's my Creator for ya

2. A Toolbox
-So, A LOT of friends are getting engaged lately. It's kind of awesome. But, with this awesome change going on in life, I am dealing with my own struggles relating to such relational life change.
I am fearful of dating. Did you know that? Always have been and still am. Read a couple notes back and you'll see a total heart cry. lol But! The whole dating fear really stems back to my fear of commitment. My fear of commitment connects to my fear of marriage: that word that symbolizes intimacy, grace, trust, and total dependence on another person. I AM A SELFISH BEING, friends. I love being single. Having my own life to deal with is so awesome and great but as the Lord and I have been walking together for many years now, He's started taking me on a path that involves a lot of mirrors and "operation tables." I've had to look inside myself like never before and come to grips with the fact that I AM SELFISH. I AM LONELY. I AM MORE INDEPENDENTLY DEPENDENT ON SELF THAN EVER BEFORE. but...
-A God of complete and total grace LOVES ME FOR ME. He doesn't let me stay in this condition of hopelessness but instead, releases me from shame and grief and turns me in the direction of Light and Love. So, in light of these realizations, the Lord brought this picture to me...

There's this toolbox, full of tools of all kinds: hammers, wrenches, drills, pliers, grips, nails, sandpaper, screws, bits, etc. I am one of these tools. I have a purpose and I am working on functioning beautifully. I fill a role that no other tool can meet. The carpenter that uses me has a big plan, not necessarily for me but for the whole toolbox. Cool. So, I realize that by myself, I can do this on my own. Without Him, I can't do anything but with Him, I fulfill my role beautifully.
But, then, He brings another tool in to complete another task ALONGSIDE my own. I don't get it but I also see that more of the design is being completed.
Application: There is a Kingdom that can't be shaken. He's bringing His kingdom to earth and it's our role, as the Body of Christ, to help Him bring it. I've got a role in this life to do what He calls me to do. But! Sometime in this life, He may bring a man, with his own role, to join me in completing my role and bring more of the Kingdom here. "Two are better than one..." correct? (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
I'm not saying that marriage happens for everybody. But, I'm also saying, that I get it now...PTL!!!

3. Last Lesson
-I don't live this life for myself. I can say that and mean it and live it now because I get it. I get that He controls my direction. I am staying in college an extra semester b/c a part of my role in this life involves another semester of completing something. It's not just about graduation. It's not just about me wanting to get back to Dallas so I can possibly join a church that I am falling in love with. It's not just about starting on loan repayment....IT'S SO MUCH BIGGER!!! He's got plans. I am involved in these plans, just like you, my brothers and sisters.

READ THIS, IF ANYTHING: He freakin loves us. He wants us to share in His love and mercy and GRACE. This stuff is far richer than the satisfaction you're getting from watching Youtube videos, or reading books about other people's lives, or the relationship that you're in that is getting way too good to be true (whatever that means lol)
Please know...I LOVE AND SERVE AND HAVE COMMITTED MY LIFE TO A GOD OF LOVE, COMPASSION, AND GRACE.
I don't get Him a lot of the time but I have reckless faith, radical obedience, and steadfast trust in His purposes, reasons, and directions.

:selah

Traveler

2009-11-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

Remember the days forgotten

When thoughts were wrapped

Around the next big adventure

Family vacations weren't feared

But desired because of

The road that awaited

Ideas roll around in my head

Like gerbils running thoughtlessly

On their wheels

The yearning and the craving

Walk hand in hand

As I dream of my

Other identity

To travel, To run

In the ways of the sun

To long for nights of sleeplessness

Just to dance in a desert

Or lie on a beach

Away from the familiarity

The battles that rage

The hearts that are caged

All long for escape

I want to free

The enslaved

And rattle the cage of

The oppressors

I want to flee from

A life of ordinary things

And walk in the midst

Of radical beings

My heroes all left legacies

Some small, some big

Who cares? They exist

To leave a legacy of love

To leave a legacy of adventure

That's what I desire

To live like a child

Constantly running toward

Her Father at full speed

Ah, the life of a Traveler

Life

2009-11-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Movies that inspire

Just by breathing words

Like "vagabond" and

"Traveler"

Quotes that resonate

Within, trying to

Awaken the sleeping

Tiger seeking to

Prowl for an adventure

I yearn to fly

I yearn to leap

I yearn to embrace

The unknown

Questions fill

Thoughts provoke

Life stares me in the

Face and says,

"What now?"

I breathe and sigh

And turn away

Submitting to my fear

Is Life really clothed

In the shadows of

Fear and doubt?

Or do I find that Life's

Wearing the mask

That I've given it?

I turn around

To face my Life

But, wait!

It's not just my Life I see now

I see One who is clothed

In grace and peace

He's far too pure and beautiful

To look upon

I hide my face with my small hands

Then, His hands encompass mine

As I continue to try and hide

The imperfection

He strips my hands from my face

And breathes Peace over me

Oh, the sweet smell of it

The feeling of warmth

The knowing of Truth

All embrace me

To trust

To leap

To fly

Into my Father's arms

sigh

Crying Poem of a Warrior Princess

2009-10-24T17:31:00.001-07:00

I confess, o Father King

I don't know hoe to be

Your daughter

Day and night

I shout the battlecry

Letting it resonate within

My Sword

Is daily sharpened

And the victories are claimed

By your matchless Name

But, as You

Call me back

To sit at Your feet

I rebel

Don't make me REST

Don't make me LISTEN

To Your gentle whispers

Of love and adoration

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I figure

Out how to be a princess?

One who daily claims beauty

Daily seeks after my Prince with eagerness

Daily asks for calmness in heart

Abba, you're my Daddy

You desire me to soften,

To submit, to cry

To You

When I'm broken...

I confess

...I'm scared of being WEAK... (Biblical Combative Maneuver=2 Cor. 12:9!)

Lord, I need You

To remind me of how to

Be Your daughter,

A princess and heir

Teach me how to

Submit, soften, and serve

I long to love

I long to giggle

I long to be okay

With liking a boy

BUT!!!

Continue to remind me that

You know the way in which

I'm to go

Guide me and push me

To FOLLOW you

I pray for

Reckless communion with

Your Holy Spirit

Only You

2009-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Did I run away again?

I heard you callin'

My name

The world has appealed to me

So much lately and

I can't seem to

Steal myself

Away

Rescue me,

Jesus

Only you can save me

From the finer things

In life

I know you want

In your arms

To stay

But I seem to

Crawl away

Again & again

So, whisper to me

Now

Your kind of

Love songs

Let me hear them now

Above the

Crowd

You are my Lord

You are my Lover

I desire to be

Satisfied only

By You

Let me love You

Even a quarter

Of how You love

So, may I

Constantly pursue

Constantly return

Constantly desire

To escape,

To breathe,

To adore

Only You

Selah

2009-10-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

Peering down the never ending road

Periodically gazing at

The baby blue skies

That surround

Reflecting upon the peace I have about the future

And exuding joy in the midst of battles

Knowing the quiet coming of victory

Is near

Craving fearlessness and

Desiring to recklessly abandon

Ordinary days and

Simple feelings of the supposedly

Necessary "senioritis" mindset

Where I am in life is

Where I would love to stay

This place of peace that

Allows storms to rage and

Scars to form

Yet the Lord is my Refuge

And I am learning about

The Living Truth of such

Words

I cannot comprehend

How such storms exist

Yet peace rains down

As sure as the conflicts do

I rejoice and cry out

SELAH

*selah: to weigh or measure; to let Truth rest and weigh upon your heart

What is it about rainy days that just send me into complete reflection and meditation?

2009-10-09T13:31:00.001-07:00

The sound of raindrops hitting the pangs of glass PING!

The glide of those very drops down the windows of my house

The feel of the raindrops on my skin

The tingle even after they dissipate into the cold air

The need to dance in my bare feet with complete abandon

The way people look after the rain has ruined their perfect hair or faces

The way rain forces response of utter beauty or agony :)

The lessons I learn when I hear the rain drop on my feet

The feeling of His tears rest on my head

Tears of joy that His people are doing something in the world

Tears of sadness that we aren't bearing love with every movement of the

Hands, feet, and mouth

[sigh]

Rain may not give me life

But it'll sure push me to

Think about it a little more

God of Dreams

2009-09-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling

When you're about to

Start something new

And your stomach

Screams in hunger

But you don't know why?

I'm starting to think

That this isn't my

Stomach

Instead, I propose

That it's my heart

Alluding to the

Coming adventure

It's unknown and

Completely scary

The wheel's turning

But the Lord's the

Only One who knows where

We're going

Tingles fill my body

And I react with a

Need to giggle

My God is the God of Dreams

Direction

2009-09-18T17:14:00.000-07:00

Questions fill my thoughts

And stream into my prayers

I seek answers but

They're nowhere to be found

But, wait! I see them

They're in Your hands,

O God of Abraham

They're clasped within

Your iron-clad fists

I keep praying questions

But You return with silence

Suddenly, You crush the

Answers within Your hands

I don't understand

I need them

I cry and I flail

Questioning You now

Then, Your empty hands

Raise and I assume

You're going to discipline

Me for my lack of faith

But, You don't

What were once iron-clad

Fists are now

Gently caressing fingertips

Stroking my face

With the love of a Father

Abba, Daddy

I confess my questions

Forgive my sinfulness

And restore my broken heart

I beg for You to lift

My face from Your hands

And lift it to Your eyes

From where I know my

Direction

Blue Shirts in Boston

2009-07-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a week-long mission trip in Boston, Massachusetts with a team of 21 from my hometown church.
We joined with our sister church in holding a community-wide camp for kids of ages 4-12 at the park down the street from the church during the days. Over 45 kids showed up EACH DAY to have fun, learn new things, and just play...it was amazing!

It's funny how loaded this trip was: with new lessons, new kinds of interaction, new revelations...

For example, in my 21-year lifetime, I have been on some amazing mission trips.
How woul.d you define a mission trip, though? The Great Commission involved "going" and "making disciples." That's one characteristic. Is there anything else? From general observation, I have gathered that many churches add more to this one characteristics such as how many people should be on a team and you need to hand out this number of tracts along with this many prayers. Some might even involve you bringing a certain number of people to Christ before you can really count such a thing a "mission trip."

May I just stop this observation right now and ask...are you kidding me?!!!

I have learned, more than anything on this Boston trip, that there are no boundaries when it comes to ministry and missions. If the Lord called us to go and make disciples, we are to go and make disciples. During the day, my camp was quite busy with camp. At night, we'd find ourselves having "free time" involving shopping and eating.

This is a mission trip. Why would I say that? It doens't say in the Bible to be completely scheduled out each day by planning when to serve and evangelize and when to "rest." It doesn't talk about holding kids' camps but it does broach upon our hearts' desires to encourage them to run to their Father's arms.

I know I'm rambling, but seriously! The Lord blessed us this week with kids who needed to come to camp (to get away from family, to simply get to know more kids, to mature a little) Their purposes varied and their personalities were quite different from one another but I truly believe that little disciples were made and affirmed this week.

Why can we not see that the Lord desires us to 1)serve 2)speak His name 3)reveal TRUTH to people about how much He loves us and 4)love like Jesus loveSSSSS

"The Blue Shirts were my favorite" said one girl, when asked about the camp, as a whole.

I agree:)

Boston

2009-07-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

Leading a team in Boston for a week

Working a day camp at our sister church then doing some on-the-street servant evangelism aka passing granola bars and water out to pedestrians passing by

Been to Boston before but in a different capacity; one less demanding of my navigation and administration

Excited to see what the Lord will do through a rag-tag group from a big-name church. Oh, goodness, Lord. I pray that the mega-church tones of our origin will not overshadow but further more, dissolve. Instead, I pray for the Holy Spirit to empower us, restore our tired bodies mid-way through the trip, and to consistently pour love THROUGH us as we intend to love on people PERIOD, whether they're rude, kind, loving, thoughtless, etc.

The Lord loves them all and that's why we want to go.

As it says in Isaiah 61, "The Spirit is on me..."

I pray, Lord, that I would LEARN, HELP, GROW, and most of all, understand more of what the Holy Spirit is doing up in this "city of champions."

The Fairer Sex...and Its Need for Drama

2009-06-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

As sisters in Christ, we are commanded to love one another. Heck, as the body of Christ, we are called to love one another. 1 Corinthians 13 states that "Love is patient and kind...It doesn't insist in its own way...Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (ESV)
Why, when communication becomes stale and conflict arises, do we immediately look inside ourselves and check out our own moral compass? "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:42, ESV) I agree that you need to confirm that you, yourself, do not have any sins hindering you from helping a sista out...but! You need to be aware of how consumed you become with yourself. Do not become a self-oriented sista who thinks that her other friend can deal with her own mess and the conflict will just go away in time. Why do no we not, instead, run to that other person and beg her to let us help her in her time of need?
If there is a conflict between two(or more) people, why can't they run to one another and pray for each other/ love on one another/ challenge each other/ etc?
In all the major conflicts in my life with people, I have had to sincerely get lost in the Lord's Word before I could truly love on the other person and reconcile. My selfishness blinded me from looking out for the other person. Instead, I would hide inside myself and build this wall of insecurity, wondering "what did I do?" and "why can't I be a better friend?"
This is so stupid! These thoughts are about ME. My actions were about me. If I stepped out to "help" my friend, I would just be acting in guilt. Until I asked for discernment and asked the Lord for help in reconciling with my friend, I could not truly love on my friend.
Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger." (NIV)
In conflict, allow love to lead you to confront or confess, admonish (v. to caution, advise, or counsel against wrongdoing or ), and ultimately/prayerfully, reconcile. If you desire to reconcile, you're pointed in the right direction. Peace

Intense Romance

2009-06-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have been captivated by a Holy and Precious God
I have been swept up into an intense Romance with Him

When I become insecure about the earthly romance I don't have
He reminds of what I do have

An eternal love affair that allows me to be intense with Him
I can be myself and still be loved

An adventure that offers freedom and victory
After periods of struggle and strife

An everlasting love letter that never
Disappoints or turns void

Many turn away because of my intense passion and
Ongoing ramblings

But I am reminded when they do run that
It's not about me

Thank you, Jesus, for being
Romantic and passionate in your pursuit of me

...

2009-06-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am in a state of complete speechlessnes. I have a longing to write about what He's doing but I can't find words to describe or display.

It's not a funk or a sign of weakness. I believe I am experiencing the Spirit in a new way.

Explanation...

Just today, after a week of praying about it, I began a study on the Holy Spirit in the Word.
What it did, how it did it, its effect on people, who it effected. I shouldn't even be saying "it" b/c my understanding has been broadened to the "he" factor.

Anyway, I studied the Spirit in the Penteteuch today and was overwhelmed by how consuming the Spirit was. He "hovered over the waters" (Gen 1:2) "The Spirit of God was in him" (Gen 41:38) "...He took of the Spirit that was on him and put the Spirit on the seventy elders. When the Spirit rested on them, they prophesied..." etc. x infinity

In my life, I do not believe I have allowed the Spirit to rest on my weary and restless soul. I run too fast and speak an increased amount of words every day. I have never truly allowed him to hover and rest and fill and empower. The Spirit is SO ALIVE!!!

He prophesied through people. He healed people. He transformed people in their brokenness...

I am amazed at how direct the Spirit is. Where he is, something WILL occur. It may be a silent occurrence or a great uproar but he will be there.

I don't fathom this. I know my Father desires reckless passion and devotion from His children. I love this and fear this, all in the same. But as I continue to read about the Spirit and his direct work in people's lives, I see all too plainly how the Lord has allowed us to not be abandoned.

He may desire us to serve Him radically but we are not doing the work alone. We follow and say "here I am" and the Spirit comes, as surely as the Lord's faithfulness does.

Speechless...kind of:)

I Am Not Invincible says Ruth

2009-06-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sprained my ankle yesterday playing volleyball with a sista.
24 hours later, my pride is still teeming with neverending thought strings:
"I thought I was invincible" and "I've never been injured till now!" and "Lord, why now?"

Oh my goodness, people. Why is my flesh winning lately?
I can chalk it up to my lack of true, in the Word, Scripture reading as of late.
I can make more excuses as to the fact that "my desert is just running a little longer these days"

But, all in all, I have been struggling with community with my Jesus.
I haven't been sharpening my Sword by memorizing Scripture or getting captivated by the Word. I mentioned it earlier as if it's a checkpoint on a list but freakin latte! It's not! I haven't been praying like a warrior princess in battle either. I've been thanking the Lord for my food and then off I go.

The daily struggle between Ruth and God is evident. I am a stubborn, selfish, all too prideful woman who thinks that help is a word for the sick and the poor.

As I've been staying off my ankle today, the Lord has greatly humbled me and brought me to this understanding: I am not invincible.

You laugh. I laugh. We all laugh. But, I apparently thought this was true because as my dad carried me into the house and as my best friend brought my little donkey named Risen Star to me, I finally gave up my little knife I've called a sword all these years and just let Him have it. Since then, I've depended on the Lord's whispers of encouragement and loved reading Psalms 16-18....I will not be shaken.

There were times today when all I could do was just journal my pain, as if I was in a punk rock band representing the emo stages of life or something. And, in my entries, the Lord brought me to this realization that as I learn about my weakness and realize that pride is no better for me than the callouses on my feet, I am a daughter who needs her Daddy to rescue her from falling in holes and getting lost in pits of pity and anger. I sprained my ankle. So what? I will not be shaken. I can't go to high school camp and work with some amazing girls this week. So what? I will not be shaken.

The Lord has a purpose. Not just for me. Not just for His army of sons and daughters.
He has a purpose PERIOD
Who am I to question?

Extraordinary Awakening

2009-05-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

February 9, 2009
It's not about me
Extraordinary
I need to die to myself and live against it
Awakening
My Jesus, who is Savior and Restorer, loves me
Extraordinary
I long to be reverent before the Holy God
Awakening

Awaken to the call of Christ today, people
He longs to pursue you
He chases constantly, passionate and ready to catch
Let Him capture you in His arms and take you away
To a place of refuge and adventure
Allow Him to captivate you and remind you
Of who you have been called to live and die for
Don't let church be the one place you show up
For Him
Cherish every day that you get to wake up and
Spend more time staring at creation
So....live in extraordinary excellence
Move and speak and breathe and work and study
For Him
Love Out Loud
Laugh Out Loud
Live Out Loud

Scared of Dating...There I Said It

2009-05-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2008
I'm scared of that big, big word. So many meanings behind it...attachment, commitment, detachment, potential love, potential break up, marriage, intimacy, short term, long term, guy loves girl, warrior loves warrior princess, guy finds girl, guy steps up and asks girl out, etc. So many thoughts!I don't know what to do with them all. I know I am twenty years old and have never dated. Yes, I will repeat it....I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD AND HAVE NEVER DATED. I'm talking about any kind of dating. I've been asked out three times in my life, yes. I've said "no" to all because I wasn't "ready." Whatever that means. Celebrating my singleness has never been a problem for me. I love it! The Lord has done stuff in me that may not have happened if I had been dating or in a relationship at the times of such "stuff."Please understand this, though...I'm tired of being bitter. Yes, I've been bitter. Oh, how bitter I've been. I have become this witch, who brings every guy under the radar and dissects everything about him. I apologize. I was not created to act or think in such a way. I was created to be a part of a beautiful community with guys and girls. Because I have never dated, I have built up this wall around my heart: guarding it and isolating it. I was NEVER called to isolate my heart. I was called to guard it like the guards do at buckingham palace. (Prov. 4:23) People are allowed to look inside the Palace. They may not stay for long but they're allowed to look. Why can't I understand this? Dating is not a bad thing! It's not an end-all. It's not something that will hinder me, if done in accordance with His will. Oh, how He loves me. I'm amazed. He has proven His love every day to me, just by waking me up and sayin, "hey, kid. I love you." My worth will never be found in a man's eyes: no matter who he is to me. I am deemed beautiful and worth far more than rubies by my King and that's enough. It is not a sin, though, to accept the compliments of another's affection. It is not a sin to desire to hear the words "you're beautiful" come from a guy that is special to you in your life. Here it is, loud and clear...DATING IS AWESOME. Haven't ever experienced it but I know it is because I know some beautiful couples who have shown me what a true and pure dating relationship looks like. Complementary and powerful; Understanding and loving. Its built up from a foundation rooted in His love. I, honestly, don't know what this message is about. It's a declaration, sure. It's a sigh of relief, yes. More than that, though...I want people to know that they're not alone in their worries. I am freaked! I can't let my fear hinder me or provoke me, though, into isolating myself any longer. I want to date! lol This isn't a cry-out note saying, "come and get me, boys!" It is a declaration for all those who need to hear this one truth: THE LORD LOVES YOU ENOUGH TO PUT YOU IN SPECIFIC SEASONS FOR SPECIFIC REASONS. ACCEPT ALL OF THEM: Dive in to that single life, Dive into that new relationship and say "yes" when he asks you out. Be cautious. Guard your heart. Make sure he's His and make sure He's a warrior. After that, let Him take you where He wants you to go Holla

Extreme Word Vomit of a Spiritual Nature

2009-05-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

July 12, 2008
In the silent storms of this uncomfortable life
I can hear Your whispers and Your screams
Calming all winds and giving me
A new Hope that allows me to desire You more
I see You in my struggles
Gently caressing me with words
And spurring me on to fly
As hard as the eagle and as soft as a hummingbird
I won't give You my heart
I won't
If it means I have to lose Everything that's inside,
I won't
I hear Your sadness
In lieu of this rejection
I don't comprehend it
I seem to not care
I daily claim that I am Your's
But if my heart is truly not in those nail-scarred hands
Then, how much of me is really there
In those hands so broken?
I confess my sin and my fault, o God
You deserve more than this
You deserve more than my confessions
You deserve more than my all too small praises
Let these words
Spill from these pages and
Pour into Your hands
Like a washing of these Scarred instruments that
You yearn to use for Your glory
Take from me
Every idol
Every desire
Every fantasy
Burn it all in the fiery pits of my past
I declare myself
To be rid of this self-oriented nature
Lord, don't allow me
To think that this life
Revolves around the name that you've given me
Let me hurt because
You have taken away
Let me cry because
I no longer feel my SELF inside
Let me love You As Your Son so Unselfishly loved You
No more expectations
No more fantasies
No more dreams of my own doing
Be my One Desire

The Single Life

2009-05-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

April 1, 2008
This note is not for the weak...It's not for the sensitive...It's not for the easily offended.Ya'll, this is MY heart. I am speaking from my experience with the Lord. From this note, maybe others will be touched by it but really this is a declaration, if nothing more...Read it and rejoice, read it and weep...I don't careRead 1 Corinthians 7. It's all about marriage v. the single life. Paul is hysterical! He's honest! You can tell he loves being single! In v. 33-35, he talks about how "single people are concerned with the Lord's affairs." He loves talking about the benefits of being single. But! He encourages marriage for those who "can't control their passions," etc. LAUGH!!!!!!!!! Do ya'll know how awesome that is? Marriage is a channeling of the passions. The single life is a passionate life lived as well, just not with another person. So...The purpose of this note is this: I love being single. Yea, I will admit: I WANT a man in my life one day. I want kids. I want to go on grand adventures with a man who will steer me straight toward the Lord's arms. I want to fight battles with a man and serve my God with him. I want a man who will be a leader in the church and who won't be afraid of challenging things when the church isn't as Truth-based as it should be. Beyond this desire, though, is a need for a Savior who will keep me alive in Love; who will consume me with His will so much so that the desire for a man is nonexistent. This year (my sophomore year at Texas A&M University...whoop!) I have learned so much about the Lord's will, the embodiment of it in my life and the sheer existence of it around me. I have seen its harshness and its beauty. It drives me to wake up everyday and to live the piece of it that He wants....It's hard. It's hard to live this will when I doubt His hands guiding me; when I feel like I'm about to fall; when I feel that my life can't be lived without this guy seems...It's hard. But, as it says in 1 Corinthians 1:9," God is...faithful."I want you to realize something: YOU, Warrior Princess of the Most Awesome and Holy Army, DOES NOT need a MAN. (vice-versa for the warriors) Just like Paul says, this is not an anti-dating/anti-marriage statement. This is a reminder. You will not find your worth in a relationship with a man. You won't and you can't. To all the people in relationships: praise the Lord! Continue to concern yourselves with the Lord's plans FIRST and let the rest fall under that...The Lord puts those special people in our lives to be encouragers, companions, best friends, and guides...but they can't give us worth or value. Please know that the Lord LOVES marriage. He doesn't want you, though, to be obsessed with the potential idea of it in your life. He wants you to cherish the life that you have as a single woman and embrace His will. There are no guarantees in life and it's a falsehood to say that we are ALL guaranteed husbands and wives. Please don't be searching for that special guy. If the Lord does have someone for you, He will bring him to you, no questions asked. We're stubborn. We get lonely. We're women with spaghetti-shaped brains. Men, you have waffles for brains so don't be hatin! lol Please know that each one of you is beautiful and full of grace, poise, depth, and worth. None of this comes from the man at your side or the man that's coming. The Lord loves you and wants the best for you. DON'T GO LOOKING! Trust Him. Test your faith. Test your willpower. Serve your brothers and sisters in Christ and let the Lord guide you...Again, this is a delcaration of my total rejoicing of the single life. This is also a note claiming that my God knows me, loves me, and has me. I will always be His, married or not...I love you, people, whether ya'll are in relationships or livin out the single life.P.S. The only ABSOLUTE thing in this life is His love. He will take away what He has given and He will give what you did not want. Just go with His flow...yo :)

Just A Prayer

2009-05-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

April 30, 2007

Lord,I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the focus of my life, lately, has been impressing people. I'm sorry that I have not sought to please you through any of the areas of my life. Lord, I heard your cries today. I don't know how but a knife just pierced my heart. Lord, I only have 1 1/2 weeks to make myself vulnerable on this knowingly lost campus. I thank you SO much for my brothers and sisters who press on with me in serving our fellow Ags, but Lord, it's not enough. You want us to have full attention on you. You want us to hear YOUR plans for YOUR people in their fullest form. Lord, like soldiers before battle, we need to be justly equipped and de-briefed about what is to come. Lord, your plans are perfect and even though we like to screw them up so many times, you are always Faithful to carry them out in different ways. Lord, I don't want to impress my friends. I only let them down and they let me down. Lord, you died for a reason. You died for me. I don't cherish my life like I should. Lord, I recognized your love for me and your saving grace eleven years ago and I committed myself to you but I still don't feel that I live out my committment to you. You deserve a grand throng of people with hands lifted up, praising ONLY YOUR NAME, and only Your power. You deserve an entire campus of students, who bow down completely before your throne and chant, "Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty." You deserve your people marching over an entire globe, ready to fight for any lost soul that hasn't decided who they want to spend eternity with. You deserve 100% committment from every single follower. You don't get that, Lord. I know you don't 'cuz I don't see that and I don't feel that within me. Why? Why do we have to be so weak and humane? Why don't we have to fail at so many things? Lord, do you gain glory from our failures? I know it says in your Word that you do, but it's so hard to grasp. When I fail, Lord, I want to cry. Not b/c I failed you. I cry because I've failed people who see me on a daily basis; who help me with projects, when I don't have an ounce of energy or projection to give; who encourage me when I can't encourage them 'cuz I'm too selfish; who don't do anything but listen when I've failed 3 tests and have to drop a class; who compliment me for planning a coffeehouse yet are disappointed when I soak all the glory up that my heart desires...Lord, you deserve the compliments, the praise, the glory that should drip from your very Name. Lord, I don't want RUTH ANN COOPER to be on a pedestal above Your's. Lord, your Name should make men and women fall to their knees in reverence. Your Name should immediately send us out on a campaign to free souls in bondage of sin. I want to use my sword! I want to battle demons and win! Lord, with 1 1/2 weeks left of school, I believe that you can change this campus. I believe that you can rally us up as a body, not an organization, that will equip, challenge, and grant victory. I pray that you would dissolve all boundaries between organizations. I pray that you would make all names of organizations disappear. Lord, I want to serve the people on this campus with only your Name coming from my mouth. Is this possible? I know that through you all things are possible, but am I too much of a hindrance to myself? Strike me down if I should go before you. Lord, go before me! Use me! Teach me how to live humbly and without glory. I love you, Lord, and I don't care if this note offends. I don't care if people read this. I just wanted to write something public and without barriers. Your Name be Praised at Texas A&M

2009-05-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

January 22, 2007
Tears fall down my face as I sit in my car and listen to a song by Jeremy Camp.I have just spent a couple of hours at Sweet Eugene's, pouring out my heart on a piece of paper that will be read and weighed in a couple of days.At the coffeehouse, my thoughts were dead weight. Nothing was coming. I was praying and praying but the Lord was not speaking to my heart. So, I began to read from His Word. I read Romans 3: talking about the gift of salvation. I read Matthew 3: talking about his baptism and love. I read from Colossians and John...Then, He started pouring into me. I don't know when and I don't know how. All I know is within ONE AMAZING, GOD-APPOINTED hour, my application was done. I read through it and was utterly in awe of how much the app. represented me and all of the hidden thoughts that weren't coming out. I prayed and thanked the Lord. I got into my car and drove back home. While driving, I started to talk to my Savior: praising Him for every good things that's gone on today and every sucky thing that saddened me. I started to cry...I am so unworthy to be filling out an application to lead the class of 2011 next year. I am so unworthy to think that I can even comprehend His love for me. He is SO Worthy, and yet I can never ever give Him the praise that He deserves. I am too gross to sit in His presence yet He sends down His beatiful and sweet Son so that I can. Blood and tears saved me. Tears were strewn tonight and I pray that they will save others through the power of his blood. God is Good and Great and I will sing to my Adonai.