One drawing attempted of well-respected actress in beloved film "Little Dorrit"...check
Two book titles thought about, under-developed as of two mins. ago but at least penned to paper...check
One giant headache that won't disappear until sleep consumes my actions & thoughts...check
One big staring contest with my Bible and journal...check
Pursuit of all favored photographers' blogs in hopes of a job...check
Lesson learned in the area of heart cries...check
I got to minister to a former high school history teacher of mine today. I didn't go to the certain location to minister to a woman. I went to read. But, oh goodness, how the Lord thwarted my *cough* need *un-cough*for "alone time."
ha
Alone time? Not reality. Just fantasy. Am I being sarcastic? Actually...no. I'm being blunt and poised with words on my lips like blood off a sword...a little much? Oh, whatever. I NEEDED to minister to this woman tonight. It's so funny how we think we "need" something when all we really want to do is seek satisfaction from it. Psalm 107:9 says "HE satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul He fills with good things." !!!!...:):):):)...
Seriously, though, this woman NEEDS Jesus. She needed to hear a former student who doesn't have it all together either hear her say "I'm praying for you, Mrs. ____."
"Oh, how great are the riches/ Of His wisdom and knowledge/ How unsearchable/ For to Him and through Him and of Him are all things..."
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Fed Up
Fed up with guilt pressing upon the crevices of my heart and mind as I fight for freedom from collective numbers and academic constraints.
Fed up with duty. Life wasn't made to be a series of actions and consequences.
Fed up with routines. Forget the mindless stepping stones of progress and business. Embrace the real stuff: the pain, the sorrow, the relief, the joy that can't be described in a piece of paper that says "Graduated."
Fed up with longings that aren't fulfilled. I trust the Plan that's bigger.
Fed up with shame that beats the heart into submission. Weight on the heart becomes exhausting. Let it be.
Fed up with "lack of." Ready to see an abundant and active force in every crevice, crack, and prison in this town.
Fed up with service. Need intimacy that squeezes the lists out of me.
Fed up with "do." Ready for "know."
Let's stop the acts. Let's start the relationships.
Fed up with duty. Life wasn't made to be a series of actions and consequences.
Fed up with routines. Forget the mindless stepping stones of progress and business. Embrace the real stuff: the pain, the sorrow, the relief, the joy that can't be described in a piece of paper that says "Graduated."
Fed up with longings that aren't fulfilled. I trust the Plan that's bigger.
Fed up with shame that beats the heart into submission. Weight on the heart becomes exhausting. Let it be.
Fed up with "lack of." Ready to see an abundant and active force in every crevice, crack, and prison in this town.
Fed up with service. Need intimacy that squeezes the lists out of me.
Fed up with "do." Ready for "know."
Let's stop the acts. Let's start the relationships.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I Will
I will walk in the land of the living
Where dry bones walk again
And dead men shout victory
I will cry out the name of a Savior
As I run through the streets
In total abandon and freedom
I will ride the subways with smelly, old hobos
Who will dance in the light
Of something much bigger than themselves
I will sing Hallelujah in the middle of wars
Because the end of Victory is literally
A stone's throw away in time
I will paint beyond emotion and stirring
And instead, stroke the canvas with
Natural,vibrant, crazy love for Someone outside myself
I will no longer desire adventure
Because my heart will have been
Satisfied
I will fully understand the weight
Of what the God-Man did for me
One joining of wood blocks.
A couple of nails.
A body ready to be slaughtered.
All resulted in the perfect display of the
"I Will"
Hands clenched. Body tight.
Moans heard. Loss felt.
Victory wasn't around.
But, I know different.
The difference was 3 days.
3 days for the God-man to
Wake up from his slumber
And claim victory
Over the Enemy's dance
3 days to carry out
The Greatest Adventure
And triumph
Over the Enemy's dreams
3 days for the Underground
To be revived in not just
The blood of a Lamb but
The resurrection of a Savior
Oh, boy
Look what's coming now
A great celebration
In the Heavens
The epitome of light shows
That embrace the very voice
Of the painting of "A Starry Night"
A great victory
In this world
That will last shake the Rockys and the Maximus'cores
For eternity
I will wait for this day
When freedom won't be a cause
But an effect for all who
Trusted and fought in the
Name of the Lamb
I Will
Where dry bones walk again
And dead men shout victory
I will cry out the name of a Savior
As I run through the streets
In total abandon and freedom
I will ride the subways with smelly, old hobos
Who will dance in the light
Of something much bigger than themselves
I will sing Hallelujah in the middle of wars
Because the end of Victory is literally
A stone's throw away in time
I will paint beyond emotion and stirring
And instead, stroke the canvas with
Natural,vibrant, crazy love for Someone outside myself
I will no longer desire adventure
Because my heart will have been
Satisfied
I will fully understand the weight
Of what the God-Man did for me
One joining of wood blocks.
A couple of nails.
A body ready to be slaughtered.
All resulted in the perfect display of the
"I Will"
Hands clenched. Body tight.
Moans heard. Loss felt.
Victory wasn't around.
But, I know different.
The difference was 3 days.
3 days for the God-man to
Wake up from his slumber
And claim victory
Over the Enemy's dance
3 days to carry out
The Greatest Adventure
And triumph
Over the Enemy's dreams
3 days for the Underground
To be revived in not just
The blood of a Lamb but
The resurrection of a Savior
Oh, boy
Look what's coming now
A great celebration
In the Heavens
The epitome of light shows
That embrace the very voice
Of the painting of "A Starry Night"
A great victory
In this world
That will last shake the Rockys and the Maximus'cores
For eternity
I will wait for this day
When freedom won't be a cause
But an effect for all who
Trusted and fought in the
Name of the Lamb
I Will
Monday, August 23, 2010
Jumbled Thoughts About EVEN GREATER THINGS
Red fingers typing away upon oily but familiar keys
They're desperate tonight
To type
To describe
To reveal
Pierced ears listening to the sounds of Chris August
New music
New heart beating to the drum of my own
Wondering
What will come
As Spartacus the old Honda Accord I call my own now
Roars down the highway
Bags packed and boxes crammed
No doubt rolling around with the
Globe I'll be bringing with me
To remind me of what I long to chase after
No, not the world itself
But, the adventure
The Big, Grand, Expensive Adventure
That calls my heart out
Of its restlessness and boredom
Oh, the fingers type desperately now
As they giggle with the heart
That dances to the name Jesus as
It's sung by the "new guy"
Jesus. The Author of such an Adventure
"The Not Yet"
Oh, geesh
One last semester.
Of nervous freshmen trampling each other
As they rush to class,
Soon realizing it's not worth anything
If you miss a couple for the sake of selah time
One last semester.
Of fifth-year seniors breathing in the smells
Of familiarity.
Legacy.
Victory.
Realizing that it's not over yet.
Wondering what will come after the "Great Walk of Victory" across the
carpeted stage.
I will not worry.
I will not fret about tomorrow.
For tomorrow is a day that's been created already.
With or without me involved.
"The Not Yet"
The future.
The rest of the story.
The eternal scope that far outweighs the stupidity of the day.
I guffaw at the thought of such concern tomorrow.
Until, I think about the concerns of today
And how I wasted
Beautiful minutes because I didn't have money
To buy food
When I had Mom's meat loaf in the fridge
The banner lined with "Even Greater Things"
Keeps rising up in my thoughts.
It resonates victory, newness, and resolution inside my spirit.
It longs to see the revelation of such a thing.
This semester pieced with "Even Greater Things" just fits
For some reason.
Holy Spirit revelation?
Maybe.
Radical obedience desired?
Definitely.
They're desperate tonight
To type
To describe
To reveal
Pierced ears listening to the sounds of Chris August
New music
New heart beating to the drum of my own
Wondering
What will come
As Spartacus the old Honda Accord I call my own now
Roars down the highway
Bags packed and boxes crammed
No doubt rolling around with the
Globe I'll be bringing with me
To remind me of what I long to chase after
No, not the world itself
But, the adventure
The Big, Grand, Expensive Adventure
That calls my heart out
Of its restlessness and boredom
Oh, the fingers type desperately now
As they giggle with the heart
That dances to the name Jesus as
It's sung by the "new guy"
Jesus. The Author of such an Adventure
"The Not Yet"
Oh, geesh
One last semester.
Of nervous freshmen trampling each other
As they rush to class,
Soon realizing it's not worth anything
If you miss a couple for the sake of selah time
One last semester.
Of fifth-year seniors breathing in the smells
Of familiarity.
Legacy.
Victory.
Realizing that it's not over yet.
Wondering what will come after the "Great Walk of Victory" across the
carpeted stage.
I will not worry.
I will not fret about tomorrow.
For tomorrow is a day that's been created already.
With or without me involved.
"The Not Yet"
The future.
The rest of the story.
The eternal scope that far outweighs the stupidity of the day.
I guffaw at the thought of such concern tomorrow.
Until, I think about the concerns of today
And how I wasted
Beautiful minutes because I didn't have money
To buy food
When I had Mom's meat loaf in the fridge
The banner lined with "Even Greater Things"
Keeps rising up in my thoughts.
It resonates victory, newness, and resolution inside my spirit.
It longs to see the revelation of such a thing.
This semester pieced with "Even Greater Things" just fits
For some reason.
Holy Spirit revelation?
Maybe.
Radical obedience desired?
Definitely.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Blog of Dreams
I don't know if anyone reads this and I honestly don't care. I just love writing, thinking about the Lord clicking on the Blog part of my mind each day and reading what I want to tell Him. Yes, He already knows but He enjoys my act of wanting to talk back.
So, Lord, I want to share what I believe You've put on my heart, in regards to the constant stream of wild dreams that run rampant in my heart. You have taken so many away and it hurt. But, the dreams you replace them with are so much sweeter and I praise You for Your knowing Hands.
Dream One: the Coffeehouse. It's never dissolved or faded. It's increased in wildness, grown in size, and been shared with many. You, through many of my wonderful friends of all kinds, have shared their support, their anticipation, their desire to help. I believe this is You, All-Knowing God, urging me to continue. To keep putting one foot in front of the other as I think about the business...the community...the idea.
Dream Two: Counseling/serving/ministering to movie stars. The world says I can't. The world says that Hollywood is too far gone. The Kirk Camerons don't exist anymore and the ones who have tried just fail and die away. God, you are BIGGER! You love Angelina and Jennifer and Sandra just as much as You love me! We all laugh at their abuses, divorces, and deaths but when our friends go through things like this, we cry and run to our hurting friends. What's the difference?!!! God, You've been building on this dream as I've researched centers and facilities. You've added to the burden on my heart DAILY as I read about Sandra's problems and Lady Gaga's brokenness. I don't need a counseling practice. I really have a passion to take a couch, put it on a street corner, and ask for You to move the Brads and the Roberts and the Jennifers to sit on my couch and cry out. How can I go?
Dream Three: Serve the nations. I want to be a missionary, Lord. You called me to this long ago. But, I KNOW that I am not called to go with an agency or org. that labels me "MISSIONARY" upon first steps on walking into a different nation. I want to go as a businesswoman, traveler, counselor, etc. I want to go and set up camp somewhere, intending to just LOVE ON PEOPLE. That is my intention, agenda, and desire. I don't go to convert and leave. This is how some feel led to do it and I praise You for their calling but I know that I want to share You with people long-term in cities beyond my understanding. I want to set up a business, hire a bunch of crazies, learn how to love them, and just let You do Your work. Community...
Dream Four: Great American Road Trip. Research routes. Buy an SUV that loves the road and loves me. Get a dog that would love to sit in the back with the cooler, camera, and art supplies and just go. Go meet people. Go hear the stories of brokenness, life, and beauty. Go share with people what You've done in my life and maybe see an impact made. Visit coffeehouse after coffeehouse and just talk to the owners, the regulars, etc. and continue to work on my coffeehouse dream, too.
Dream Five: Be a woman of faith who is grounded and rooted in love. Be a traveler who gets to live in Boston, Italy, Australia, England, E. Europe, Nashville, Los Angeles, Seattle, etc. and then one day, continue the adventure with a husband and kids whether we continue to travel or settle down somewhere getting to travel with intentionality and teach our kids that way. Not just doing vacations but going places for a longer period of time and learning about You in a culture.
Dream Six: Never stop craving adventure. Wherever I am, just getting to make whatever adventure I can.
I am a Dreamer. A Holy, Wild, Adventurous Dreamer who longs to chase her Jesus around the world. I picture this globe sitting in front of me and there's little colored tabs that pop up where I am to go. I only see one now but in a couple of weeks, I'll see a new tab pop up and I know that's where I'm to go next. Then, after a while, a new tab pops up and that'll be my green light to move on. Then, more and more pop up until more people are looking with me for new tabs. New directions. New adventures. It's not just about I'm where I'm to go. It's about why. It's about who I'll meet. It's about who I'll go and be and live with. It's about You: the One who has this BIG DREAM of bringing Your Kingdom to Earth. It's about Your Dream of seeing Your kids piecing together Your Dream with their individual Dreams. It's about Your passion for Your people to unite and accomplish adventure together in sweet community, Holy matrimony, and beautiful unity.
What dreams, o God. What dreams such as these.
What words, o God. What words such as intention, beauty, community, and craziness.
What desires, o God. What desires such as these can from a Dreamer like me?
They don't. They come from You and I give You the glory for what You will do.
These are not mine. They can be given. They can be taken away. May I set my heart on You, so that when they are taken, I will not mourn but rejoice when I see You doing something new.
[Heart giggles. Muscles tense. Eyes dance at the thoughts...]
So, Lord, I want to share what I believe You've put on my heart, in regards to the constant stream of wild dreams that run rampant in my heart. You have taken so many away and it hurt. But, the dreams you replace them with are so much sweeter and I praise You for Your knowing Hands.
Dream One: the Coffeehouse. It's never dissolved or faded. It's increased in wildness, grown in size, and been shared with many. You, through many of my wonderful friends of all kinds, have shared their support, their anticipation, their desire to help. I believe this is You, All-Knowing God, urging me to continue. To keep putting one foot in front of the other as I think about the business...the community...the idea.
Dream Two: Counseling/serving/ministering to movie stars. The world says I can't. The world says that Hollywood is too far gone. The Kirk Camerons don't exist anymore and the ones who have tried just fail and die away. God, you are BIGGER! You love Angelina and Jennifer and Sandra just as much as You love me! We all laugh at their abuses, divorces, and deaths but when our friends go through things like this, we cry and run to our hurting friends. What's the difference?!!! God, You've been building on this dream as I've researched centers and facilities. You've added to the burden on my heart DAILY as I read about Sandra's problems and Lady Gaga's brokenness. I don't need a counseling practice. I really have a passion to take a couch, put it on a street corner, and ask for You to move the Brads and the Roberts and the Jennifers to sit on my couch and cry out. How can I go?
Dream Three: Serve the nations. I want to be a missionary, Lord. You called me to this long ago. But, I KNOW that I am not called to go with an agency or org. that labels me "MISSIONARY" upon first steps on walking into a different nation. I want to go as a businesswoman, traveler, counselor, etc. I want to go and set up camp somewhere, intending to just LOVE ON PEOPLE. That is my intention, agenda, and desire. I don't go to convert and leave. This is how some feel led to do it and I praise You for their calling but I know that I want to share You with people long-term in cities beyond my understanding. I want to set up a business, hire a bunch of crazies, learn how to love them, and just let You do Your work. Community...
Dream Four: Great American Road Trip. Research routes. Buy an SUV that loves the road and loves me. Get a dog that would love to sit in the back with the cooler, camera, and art supplies and just go. Go meet people. Go hear the stories of brokenness, life, and beauty. Go share with people what You've done in my life and maybe see an impact made. Visit coffeehouse after coffeehouse and just talk to the owners, the regulars, etc. and continue to work on my coffeehouse dream, too.
Dream Five: Be a woman of faith who is grounded and rooted in love. Be a traveler who gets to live in Boston, Italy, Australia, England, E. Europe, Nashville, Los Angeles, Seattle, etc. and then one day, continue the adventure with a husband and kids whether we continue to travel or settle down somewhere getting to travel with intentionality and teach our kids that way. Not just doing vacations but going places for a longer period of time and learning about You in a culture.
Dream Six: Never stop craving adventure. Wherever I am, just getting to make whatever adventure I can.
I am a Dreamer. A Holy, Wild, Adventurous Dreamer who longs to chase her Jesus around the world. I picture this globe sitting in front of me and there's little colored tabs that pop up where I am to go. I only see one now but in a couple of weeks, I'll see a new tab pop up and I know that's where I'm to go next. Then, after a while, a new tab pops up and that'll be my green light to move on. Then, more and more pop up until more people are looking with me for new tabs. New directions. New adventures. It's not just about I'm where I'm to go. It's about why. It's about who I'll meet. It's about who I'll go and be and live with. It's about You: the One who has this BIG DREAM of bringing Your Kingdom to Earth. It's about Your Dream of seeing Your kids piecing together Your Dream with their individual Dreams. It's about Your passion for Your people to unite and accomplish adventure together in sweet community, Holy matrimony, and beautiful unity.
What dreams, o God. What dreams such as these.
What words, o God. What words such as intention, beauty, community, and craziness.
What desires, o God. What desires such as these can from a Dreamer like me?
They don't. They come from You and I give You the glory for what You will do.
These are not mine. They can be given. They can be taken away. May I set my heart on You, so that when they are taken, I will not mourn but rejoice when I see You doing something new.
[Heart giggles. Muscles tense. Eyes dance at the thoughts...]
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wedding Day
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about "The Day." Not necessarily about the guy, oddly.
I've just been thinking about the "ideal of it all" and such. Asking myself questions about location, attire, who will be around, etc.
It's quite funny, really.
I want to be outdoors, submitting to a new adventure in the very setting that I feel most free...wherever that is.
I want to be barefooted, as hippie as that sounds, because I know that the one I'm walking down the aisle toward will love me so much more for my barefootedness.
I want to walk down to "There She Goes," simply because it's been a theme song for me in my season of singleness.
You see, I completely disagree with those brides who make the "Big Day" all about them. Weddings involve the beauty and adorning of the bride, yes, but has anyone ever thought to consider the parents of the bride: How they're about to surrender their daughter to a worthy man. Has anyone ever thought about the parents of the groom: in their complete revelation that the woman walking down the aisle is the woman they've prepared him for forever? Has anyone thought about the groom: the one who will no longer care for just himself but will now take on the responsibility and the adventure of another?
Two adventures converging into one great and glorious new life.
My dream wedding involves the very hellish undergrounds quaking at the sight of such a power couple forging to quell the powers of darkness in the name of Jesus, by simply uniting in marriage.
My dream wedding involves the heavenly cries of angels as the power couple unites to further the Kingdom of Heaven more and more in whatever capacities and directions they've been called.
My dream wedding involves the claps and the shouts and the heart giggles of people who can look upon the new couple in pure respect and honor.
My dream wedding involves the happy sigh of the Father, as He joyfully exclaims "It is well."
I know not who my husband is. I know not of what he'll be like or what he'll be doing in life. My one prayer is that He KNOW that life is an adventure worth exploring, dreaming, and struggling through. Our God is bigger than the failures, the lost times, the pain, and the grief. He knows more about the rewards of Love, the benefits of obedience, and the strength of a Unified pair. I pray that my husband would not see God as an asset but as his One lifeline; that he would wake up and talk to the Lord; that He would talk to the Lord then go to bed; that he would never stop the Conversation during the day. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who talks to the Lord every hour of the day. I'm odd, I claim, but how can I hide from Him? How can I be silent when I NEED to talk to Him and no one else?
...What a crazy and furious dream...
I've just been thinking about the "ideal of it all" and such. Asking myself questions about location, attire, who will be around, etc.
It's quite funny, really.
I want to be outdoors, submitting to a new adventure in the very setting that I feel most free...wherever that is.
I want to be barefooted, as hippie as that sounds, because I know that the one I'm walking down the aisle toward will love me so much more for my barefootedness.
I want to walk down to "There She Goes," simply because it's been a theme song for me in my season of singleness.
You see, I completely disagree with those brides who make the "Big Day" all about them. Weddings involve the beauty and adorning of the bride, yes, but has anyone ever thought to consider the parents of the bride: How they're about to surrender their daughter to a worthy man. Has anyone ever thought about the parents of the groom: in their complete revelation that the woman walking down the aisle is the woman they've prepared him for forever? Has anyone thought about the groom: the one who will no longer care for just himself but will now take on the responsibility and the adventure of another?
Two adventures converging into one great and glorious new life.
My dream wedding involves the very hellish undergrounds quaking at the sight of such a power couple forging to quell the powers of darkness in the name of Jesus, by simply uniting in marriage.
My dream wedding involves the heavenly cries of angels as the power couple unites to further the Kingdom of Heaven more and more in whatever capacities and directions they've been called.
My dream wedding involves the claps and the shouts and the heart giggles of people who can look upon the new couple in pure respect and honor.
My dream wedding involves the happy sigh of the Father, as He joyfully exclaims "It is well."
I know not who my husband is. I know not of what he'll be like or what he'll be doing in life. My one prayer is that He KNOW that life is an adventure worth exploring, dreaming, and struggling through. Our God is bigger than the failures, the lost times, the pain, and the grief. He knows more about the rewards of Love, the benefits of obedience, and the strength of a Unified pair. I pray that my husband would not see God as an asset but as his One lifeline; that he would wake up and talk to the Lord; that He would talk to the Lord then go to bed; that he would never stop the Conversation during the day. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who talks to the Lord every hour of the day. I'm odd, I claim, but how can I hide from Him? How can I be silent when I NEED to talk to Him and no one else?
...What a crazy and furious dream...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Nashville Diaries #5
Home
A place of origin
A people who accept you as grungy, beautiful, or anything in between
A haven when you've been on the road for 10 hours and you need a place of stability
[sigh]
The adventure in Nashville has ended
The car's free of its weight
The bags are unpacked
The washer's full
But the Adventure is far from over
It's just continuing
In a new setting
With new tones
And a new purpose
I'm thankful for what You did
I'm thankful for what You did that I didn't see
I'm thankful for what You will do with what You did in me
Don't let me stop driving with my windows down
Don't let me stop being fearless when I get lost in life
Don't let me stop taking risks just because I'm scared
Guide me in the way You would have me go, Lord
A place of origin
A people who accept you as grungy, beautiful, or anything in between
A haven when you've been on the road for 10 hours and you need a place of stability
[sigh]
The adventure in Nashville has ended
The car's free of its weight
The bags are unpacked
The washer's full
But the Adventure is far from over
It's just continuing
In a new setting
With new tones
And a new purpose
I'm thankful for what You did
I'm thankful for what You did that I didn't see
I'm thankful for what You will do with what You did in me
Don't let me stop driving with my windows down
Don't let me stop being fearless when I get lost in life
Don't let me stop taking risks just because I'm scared
Guide me in the way You would have me go, Lord
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